Rule # 12 and the Subject of Monogamy

The Rules, Velominati - My Name is April

This year will mark my 2 year anniversary with my wonderful Lulu. Back then, I didn’t know top from bottom about bicycles and had simply bought her because she was on the cheap…the last XS frame on the floor will do that to a bicycle.

Having excitedly taken her home and popped her on charge (something about di2… I have no idea, I was just following the Sales Guy’s instructions), I promptly proceeded to google the shit outta bicycles. Cue The Rules. Well me oh my, I read through The Rules incredulous at the sheer douchebaggery of them but also somewhat abashedly – I had broken many of them up to this point on my red Cannondale, donning ankle socks and sipping lactose-free cappuccinos at the coffee shop. I had already started off on the wrong foot and now I understood why some of the people I knew that cycled always passed up the offers to go for a ride with me. I…I was a hubbard.

The Rules, Velominati - My Name is April

I have since learned that thankfully quite a large number of the rules are now legacy, however if all had become legacy then there would never be any need for this blog entry. I want to talk about Rule # 12: The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.

I have issues with this. I look at my beloved Lulu and couldn’t imagine ever sullying our bond by bringing another bicycle into the relationship. We have been through so much together. She was there for my first solo flat tyre, my first Mt Coot-tha back, my first bunchie, and more recently, my first ever club crit win. So many firsts, so much history…and she is a magnificent beast – an aggressive frame I’m told I’m lucky to get away with riding so comfortably.

The Rules, Velominati - My Name is April

Once, I came home extremely drunk and super emotional and cried on Lulu, telling her she was my best friend and my only friend…in front of the exasperated and slightly perplexed boyfriend. That’s the kind of relationship Lulu and I have…we ride or die together.

Putting aside the profound, emotional vomit I just shared with you, there are other issues with the N+1 rule…such as maintenance. I have a hard enough time keeping Lulu in tip top shape, let alone multiples. Caring for a bike is not unlike caring for a baby…ensuring the chain is sufficiently lubed, the frame is always sparkling clean and the tyres are pumped to optimal pressure are almost daily tasks in a world where the greatest thing we lack is time! Not to mention then also proceeding to get out and exercise each bicycle throughout the week, how do people manage?!

The Rules, Velominati - My Name is April

With the above taken into consideration – and then also the little matter of bicycles and their accessories literally costing your left kidney – one might almost question if perhaps these rules were not created by a true bicycle aficionado but rather by a cashed up muppet that uses their N+1 bicycles as merely trophies for the trophy cabinet: aka expensive dust collectors.

Lulu will be my one and only noble steed right up to her very last roll, and that is just the way I like it. That way, when she finally does retire, I can put her to pasture with an affectionate pat and say “You did us good, Lulu, you did us good”.

Am I alone on this??

The Rules, Velominati - My Name is April


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