For the non-Brisbane folk that read this ‘ere blog, the Eagle St Pier is a scenic stretch of boardwalk along our beloved brown snake that is used by all manners of persons – tourists, commuters, live stock pedestrians… Restaurants line the boardwalk on one side whilst the Brisbane river laps the other. See above photo for reference.

I, myself, am a daily commuter along this lovely stretch and after years of doing this, I finally feel the need to share with you my anthropologic observations. Behold, the four (4) Douchenuggets you’ll find on Eagle St Pier, illustrated by April Lea.

1. The Paceliners

The 4 Douchenuggets You'll Find on Eagle St Pier - My Name is April

This particular breed of douchenugget is usually identifiable by their matching lycra, utilisation of the lower, curved bit of their handlebars and single-filed, speedy procession along the boardwalk. In their minds they are in the middle of a breezy B-Grade race at Murarrie with 2 laps to go and a headwind on the upcoming back straight. Better get down low, boys, that breeze be blowin’.

 

2. The Commuter

The 4 Douchenuggets You'll Find on Eagle St Pier - My Name is April

You know who I’m talking about – the incessant bell ringing, the attempted squeeze through the imaginary gap between you and the wall (often paired with an unbalanced wobble that sees your life flash before your eyes) and stupendous speeds weaving through livestock pedestrians that leaves you questioning how many points they give themselves for running over small children.

3. The “Doesn’t Stick to Their Side”

The 4 Douchenuggets You'll Find on Eagle St Pier - My Name is April

Now, these obnoxious cunts. Normally riding with another obnoxious cunt and deep in conversation about how awesomely awesome they are, this douchenugget will blatantly be on the wrong side of the path (as clearly outlined above with the detailed illustration of directional arrows) and pretend you, the law-abiding non-douchenugget approaching them, does not exist. They ooze cool, they encompass cool, they are the essence of cool. And you should move the fucking fuck out of the way for them.

4. April

MIPS: Why I Hate Them - My Name is April

Oh, man. This bitch – encompasses all of the above and a bit more. Throw in zig-zagging all over the path, deliberately blocking and pesting the above douchenuggets…she’s a regular tyrant.

I thought I’d better poke fun at myself too before someone thought I was getting on my high horse (I was…still am) and decided to take offence. But you know what they say – defensiveness is the sign of a guilty conscience.

Have I missed any particular heinous breed of douchenugget above?

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